I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Watching her eat just hurts me
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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