I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
