the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
