When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
