Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
