Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dicks are not precious.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
