The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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