Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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