Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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