Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
