woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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