ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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