He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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