Don't make out with my wife yet
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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