i just sent this text using only my big toe
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Drunk is not a location!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
