WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
