whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
