In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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