4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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