I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
