Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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