my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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