I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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