please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
