you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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