R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
