no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
