it's too hot outside to masturbate.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
