He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize