Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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