So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
