why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish you could order shots online.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
