someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
