I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
