watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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