i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
