Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
