hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
