He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
