Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
