Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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