My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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