I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
