so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
