The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
