Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
