Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I can't turn off my feet"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
