can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
