There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize