it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You did what with his pubic hair?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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