Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
