I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
