Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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