I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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