It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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