ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
