he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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